Resignation phase no one has told me before

This story was written in 2018 and I just never hit that Publish button until today.

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Yesterday I sat down with my boss. He called me into his office and we talked about the progress of the live projects in the pipeline and how we were going to go with the upcoming projects. We were both so pumped up and optimistic about the business as all the projects have gone generally well.

When we were about to wrap up, I stopped him and said: "Actually, there is one more thing... -insert a lot of blabbering- I would like to resign."

Not the best way to tell your boss that you're resigning. But for some reason, I lost all the structure that I had prepared and I just went straight to the point. After all, this was my first resignation ever, so I gave myself a break.

And just as I said that his facial expression changed. God, he looked sad. He asked with a very soft voice, "What happened, Cassandra?"

Just like that, I felt the heat all over my face and my eyes started to get watery. What happened to me!? I went on to explain to him, that it's not about the company, the salary, or anything, and that I want to leave to pursue a career that is in line with the cause I care about. I told him that I had grown with the company every day and that I was so grateful to have such an amazing leader like him who solely assesses his team members by their merits and puts a lot of trust in me despite my minimum flight time in the corporate world.

He told me he lost words, that he looked at me as a star performer in the company, and that he was so excited to see my growth and my future in the company. The truth is I also didn't know that I would leave this fast. I thought I would stay in the company for the longest time, but an opportunity to work in the line that I care about has magically appeared in front of me, and I do not want to miss it.

I knew it was gonna be a tough process that I anyway needed to go through. But, I never knew that handing in a resignation would be this hard. I heard from all my friends (not necessarily from the same company) who left their companies, that they were so relieved after giving their resignation. All the articles I found on the internet about this subject prior to that also say about the same experience with all my friends. Were they all lying?

After shamefully crying like a baby in front of my boss. I went to the washroom to gain composure. I thought, "OK, it was just a spur of the moment, you were crying because you were afraid and stressed out and couldn't handle a difficult conversation. Now that you are by yourself, you don't feel like crying, do you?".

But I sat there and kept weeping, and it took me some time to calm down. And after that when I reached home, I went inside my blanket and cried again. Such a crybaby.

I didn't foresee that I was going to cry. They were not anxiety tears, nor they were tears of relief. They were tears of guilt and sadness, from leaving a company that has invested so much in me, and that I have invested so much hard-work and emotion on. The team that I was with was pretty new and I joined when the program was just launched. Today our portfolio has become so wide and the size has grown by more than 700% in just a matter of 1.5 half years. There were so many laughs and tears that we shared to get to that point.

No camouflage, this is not the most perfect company to work with. There are a lot of small rules and conducts that I disagree with, at times. But it's still hard. There has been a lot of emotional bonds created over the last few years - with my team, seniors, boss, and clients. It's hard to leave the people that I am used to working with and whom I already gain trust from. It's hard to leave just when the future looks promising and all the hard work only starts to pay off. It's hard to blow the opportunity to make a few small changes within the system when I just stepped up to the role that allows me to do so. Loyalty is important to me, and my move feels like a betrayal.

People told me that resigning is like breaking up. I thought it was just a figurative description. But it literally felt like a break-up. It was the same sadness and heartbreak that I felt when I decided to move on from my ex-boyfriend(s). It was the same process that followed after that - blaming myself for being the one who took the step, reconsidering if I should refrain from my decision, remembering the memories of happiness and milestones achieved together, etc. It pained me longer than I expected.

I was not sure if I was going to publish this post at first. I was thinking to myself, "Do you really want to tell the world how cringy and embarrassing your resignation story is?"

The truth is, it's OK. It's OK to feel sad to leave a company. It's OK if you are that emotionally invested in your work and your colleagues. It should not be a norm to go out from your boss' office with a big smile. It's OK to feel differently. Embrace your emotion. You are not weak if you do get out from that room with swollen eyes and a red face. Now at least someone has told you about this possibility, so make sure to bring tissue and a bottle of water to the room. You never know what's going to happen.

This post turned out to be longer than I thought. I had a lot of emotion going on throughout this journey and there is no better way to embrace it than going at it and putting everything here. I want to remember this moment and all its details. To my ex-colleagues (now I'm calling you that), you know who you are. Thanks for being such an integral part of my professional and personal growth. I wouldn't want to have it any other way.